Tag Archives: problems

The Solutions to Brian’s Problem

american salvage 5 solution to brians problem_edited-1

Here’s another word of advice: if you are a normal human being, you should never, ever Google any combination of the words “12 gauge shotgun” and “suicide.”

A pretty easy text to comic-ize. The only real issue was deciding which 2 of the 7 list items to combine into 1 to fit the 6-panel format. Math! I guess this story would also be considered experimental, in the sense that it really is a list of possibilities. Some of them offer pros and cons. For some of them, the pros and cons are obvious without being pointed out.

It’s not just relevant to drugs: it’s about anyone who’s ever stayed in a terrible relationship with a terrible person because love causes you to see people as you wish them to be, or as you think they could be, or they way they used to be, rather than who they are right now, and who they are likely to be in the future. It’s easier to keep doing the same thing than it is to change. But Brian’s tolerance is crazy high. The line in the book is, “last week your wife stabbed you in the chest while you were sleeping, that she punches you, too, giving you black eyes that you have to explain to the guys at work.” She stabbed him in the chest! (I presume it was with a steak knife.) But his instinct is still to protect her from the rest of the world, if not from himself.

There’s another story in American Salvage that reminds me of this one, “Bringing Belle Home,” where the guy will still do anything for the girl, even though she’s cruel to him, even though she doesn’t even seem to want him anymore. Love makes you crazy. That’s the only explanation.

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It’s a 3D problem

big boob problems_edited-1

Actually, I am angry about the Democratic primaries in Arizona, but I’m doing this new thing where I try not to obsess about things that fill me with righteous indignation.

Ladies with a little extra up on top, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I was in college, making and selling custom chain mail was a trend, and a friend mentioned that he had received his first commission for a chain mail bikini. The next time I saw him, I asked how it had worked out.

“Awful,” he said. “I’m starting over from scratch with a new design. The first one just fell apart when she put it on.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I guess I never really thought of a bra as a weight-bearing device,” he said.

Which struck me as hilarious at the time. Why else would a woman subject herself to a bra, if not to help her carry that burden? But apparently, this is all news to the people who design bikini tops, because I tried a number of them on today, and they all failed at their basic function. Listen, you can’t just take a small bikini and double the size and call it a large bikini. A bikini top is a weight bearing device for anyone larger than a B-cup. Here’s the rundown, in case you don’t have enormous breasts and never considered the structural engineering problem:

  1. The band: This is the foundation of the garment. If the band is too loose, everything falls out the bottom. Design fail. Possible obscenity charges.
  2. The cups: They need to be shaped roughly like a woman’s chest. Merely enlarging a small pattern results in uncomfortable and unflattering squishing, lack of support, potential nip slip, and possible obscenity charges
  3. The straps: Do not make extra-large bikinis with halter straps. Just don’t. Because a bikini top is a weight bearing device, and a human neck is not a sufficient anchor.

So it looks like I’m just going to have to wear a T-shirt over the the bikini top I already own. Because while I personally feel I should have the right to go topless whenever the mood strikes, for my own comfort, I don’t have the financial means to fight an obscenity charge. If ever someone cares to fairly compensate me for my creative endeavors, I hope to have all my weight-bearing garments bespoke. And my jeans, too. I don’t think there’s anything too outrageous about my shape, but it’s not one that anybody is designing clothes for right now. Women’s clothes are a joke. And not a funny one.

 

::gentle weeping::

Even thought I started today’s post earlier than usual, I experienced greater than usual adversity, including a weird glitch in Photoshop that erased all the vertical images. I spent a long time repairing the database and rebuilding the thumbnails, which resulted in the return of a bunch of photos that disappeared last October, but did not fix my original issue uploading portrait oriented imaged. I settled for a landscape picture and tinkered with hand written text for a while before my everything crashed and I lost all my work. Meanwhile, my Internet is finking out so hard; pages are taking minutes to load and everything seems fubared and hopeless. So I give up for tonight, at least on this project.

Instead, please enjoy this recently returned image of the Colorado River along with some much appreciated words of wisdom.

Shot from the Navajo Bridge. We also saw 2 California condors at this site.

Shot from the Navajo Bridge. We also saw 2 California condors at this site.

This is really useful advice right about now.

This is really useful advice right about now.

ETA: my Internet is so wrecked that it took 20 minutes to upload these photos. I really hope you enjoy them.