Prickly People Need Love, Too

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Slightly more enticing than the average guy wearing a “FREE HUGS” sign around his neck.

A couple years back, The Man took me to see some a friend perform standup comedy at a local club. One of other comedians doing a set that night was from out of town, and it might have been his first time in the desert. He tried out what was obviously a joke he had just thought of on his way into town, about the saguaro cacti and how they held their arms with a pugilistic attitude, making them all look like they wanted to fight.

He didn’t get any laughs with that joke, and I think it was because it was too easy, and it didn’t go far enough. Those of us who live here know that they don’t all look like they want to fight. Some of them do, but some of them look like they want to shake hands, reach something off a high shelf, or push people away, or hold them tenderly. A lot of them look like they want to hold you tenderly.

A lot of them look like they’re really proud to have sprouted arms that resemble genitalia, and then want to show those appendages off to you.

The point is, saguaros all have a lot of personality, in a way that can’t be said for every type of plant. They’re distinguishable, and while there are some with a particularly classic shape, no 2 are alike, and they’re easy to anthropomorphize.

Hard to hug, though.

Not impossible. But difficult.

Dragon Comics 129

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Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

It’s a bit of hyperbole, but not much of an exaggeration. One iced tea 10 hours ago, OK, but if it were 2 iced teas after about 3 pm, I would be in trouble.

In grad school, I had this British friend, very British by his own admonition. One evening I did him a favor, and he asked how to thank me. Feeling a bit tired, and wishing to attend a yoga class later in the night, I suggested he make me a cup of tea. That is a very British thing to do. He selected an Irish breakfast tea. It was delicious! I had 2 cups! And I attended that yoga class, by golly! And then I vibrated for the rest of the night.

I do not drink caffeine after 3 pm now.

Dragon Comics 128

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ZZZZzzzzzzz…..

Wow, busy day. The Fox and Otter wedding was very wonderful but at the end of the day The Man and I found ourselves completely exhausted. Then I had a bad moment when the tablet wasn’t working again but it settled itself down. But still, it was a long day, and all I had was another insomnia comic, and I didn’t even have insomnia. I just got up earlier than usual and spent a lot of time sweating in the desert before breakfast, and then basically ate one massive meal in the late afternoon, and my brain was done and my body was done and my eyes were especially done.

Done.

At the Downtown Dispensary

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What’s really confusing about this is that you don’t have to open the door to get the full effect. You can smell the dispensary from a block away.

Miraculously, here is a comic. It’s miraculous due to the difficulty I encountered in bringing it to you. First of all, after uploading yesterday’s mandala, I went to work on a particular comic that I’ve been trying to finish all month, and the Wacom tablet was malfunctioning. I spend a long time messing with it–swapping USB ports, switching cables, turning things on and off, deleting and reinstalling the drivers–then finally emailed Wacom and started this pencil comic because I had a feeling that Wacom wasn’t going to be any help and I was going to need something for today, and that it would take me an exceptionally long time to get it ready without the computer.

In the morning, I received 2 completely useless (I mean, basically blank) emails from Wacom. The Man decided that I needed to upload newer drivers, which was a great idea, except that I hadn’t updated my OS in a while, and the new drivers needed a new operating system. So that took like 5 hours. It would have been faster but I didn’t have enough disk space for it, so I had to delete a bunch of files first. But the download took over 3 hours and the install took close to an hour. And then I still had to install the drivers. And now the tablet works again, huzzah.

Meanwhile, I drew this comic in pencil and then fixed the contrast in Photoshop so it was actually readable. But you can see why I prefer to do everything in Photoshop. I had to draw that same poster 6 times. Also, I note that the dude shrinks about 4 inches between panel 4 and panel 5. And the lettering is all wonky, and so are all the lines. I guess I could have used a ruler…

Just a slice of life. I do not have a medical card and don’t frequent the Downtown Dispensary–this was actually my first time setting foot in a dispensary–but The Man offered to drive some friends on their errands, so we were waiting for them in the lobby, and this basically happened: random dude stuck his head in the door, inhaled deeply, sighed, and left. Cracks me up. Bonnie Jo Campbell’s sitcom moment of the day. Subtle.

My pencil comics never get much love, but I honored my promise to myself. Sadly, what I needed to be doing with this day was perfecting the ceremony for the Fox and the Otter’s wedding, which begins in just under 12 hours from the time I’m writing this update. It’s ridiculous how much time I lost this week between American Airlines and Wacom both failing me. But I cannot fail the Fox and the Otter.

 

Sunflake Mandala

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Enjoy this one before it melts. 

The Fox and the Otter are getting married tomorrow! And the Dragon is officiating the ceremony, as is only proper, since the Fox officiated the ceremony when the Dragon married The Man. That probably gives the Fox and the Dragon a special bond, since he married me and I married him in the process of each of us marrying other people. Anyway, I’ve been working on the ceremony since my return from the nightmare journey, and I’m afraid I’m second guessing myself all the way. I read the latest draft to the Rabbit, who seemed to approve, but the Fox and the Otter want to be surprised.

I mean, they’re going to be surprised no matter what. But I assume they would like to be pleasantly surprised, rather than otherwise.

I wrote the ceremony and officiated the wedding when the Misseses Kitty got married, too, but they worked with me on the ceremony and approved the draft beforehand. All I have this time is a page of suggestions and the grooms’ assurance that they trust me to do it right. Anyway, I want to make this one perfect, too, and it makes me nervous not to have workshop, even though the Otter said he knew he’d be thrilled with whatever I wrote.

Easing back into more formal writing is good. Blogging and journaling are effective for what they are, but they don’t require the same sort of cohesion, weight, or order as the kind of writing I used to do every day.

After this wedding, my life will return very briefly to normal before The Man and I have to jet off to California for more family stuff. I guess real life is a process of having to jet off when you want to be still. And being still when you want to jet off.

Scratch That Idea

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It’s not supposed to be funny. This is my nightmare. 

It’s the time of year where a huge percentage of desert trees explode into a venomous miasma of pollen. It’s the palo verdes and the mesquites, mostly, and they’re beautiful, but they also settle right into your throat. Tree pollen is my main enemy, although dust and cat dander tie for a close seconds, and there are a bunch of plants that inflame my skin or my eyes. For pass-out glory and fast, fast itch relief, I depend on Benedryl. Nothing else seems to help.

This week I was with my mom, who has more allergies than I do, and takes a lot of preventative medication. Can you imagine if your body started attacking it?

Still tired and disoriented from Tuesday. That’s the nature of the beast. Tomorrow should probably be better, and if it’s not, I’ll live. Tonight I could actually sleep. Or maybe that part of my life is over and I shouldn’t expect anything like that ever again. So tired.

Yes, this comic took me a week to do. I guess I should be proud it got done at all, given the circumstances. Probably not worth the wait. Just perfect for April Fool’s Day.

Three Days Ago’s Mandala, Today

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Play with your vegetables.

This week began with best intentions but even though the mandala was scanned weeks ago and I started a comic on Friday, somehow the time slipped out and the first never got posted and the second never got finished and THEN I lost 2 days of my life to circumstances best forgotten but permanently scarring, and they weren’t even the worst 2 days of this month.

Do you think it’s possible for a human brain to forget how to sleep? Because I’m starting to wonder.

It makes one much less effective, and there is really a lot to do around here.

This is really, as you may have guessed, The Asparagus Mandala. It seems like the original intention was to create an assortment of vegetable but after the asparagus I just couldn’t stop laughing and didn’t want to mess with perfection.

In case anyone wondered, QvD still exists as a daily blog. Just a little blip there.

It’s a 3D problem

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Actually, I am angry about the Democratic primaries in Arizona, but I’m doing this new thing where I try not to obsess about things that fill me with righteous indignation.

Ladies with a little extra up on top, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I was in college, making and selling custom chain mail was a trend, and a friend mentioned that he had received his first commission for a chain mail bikini. The next time I saw him, I asked how it had worked out.

“Awful,” he said. “I’m starting over from scratch with a new design. The first one just fell apart when she put it on.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I guess I never really thought of a bra as a weight-bearing device,” he said.

Which struck me as hilarious at the time. Why else would a woman subject herself to a bra, if not to help her carry that burden? But apparently, this is all news to the people who design bikini tops, because I tried a number of them on today, and they all failed at their basic function. Listen, you can’t just take a small bikini and double the size and call it a large bikini. A bikini top is a weight bearing device for anyone larger than a B-cup. Here’s the rundown, in case you don’t have enormous breasts and never considered the structural engineering problem:

  1. The band: This is the foundation of the garment. If the band is too loose, everything falls out the bottom. Design fail. Possible obscenity charges.
  2. The cups: They need to be shaped roughly like a woman’s chest. Merely enlarging a small pattern results in uncomfortable and unflattering squishing, lack of support, potential nip slip, and possible obscenity charges
  3. The straps: Do not make extra-large bikinis with halter straps. Just don’t. Because a bikini top is a weight bearing device, and a human neck is not a sufficient anchor.

So it looks like I’m just going to have to wear a T-shirt over the the bikini top I already own. Because while I personally feel I should have the right to go topless whenever the mood strikes, for my own comfort, I don’t have the financial means to fight an obscenity charge. If ever someone cares to fairly compensate me for my creative endeavors, I hope to have all my weight-bearing garments bespoke. And my jeans, too. I don’t think there’s anything too outrageous about my shape, but it’s not one that anybody is designing clothes for right now. Women’s clothes are a joke. And not a funny one.

 

Next Time, I’ll Get You a Rabbit

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Is this slice of life, or is it a complex metaphor for my relationship with my husband?

I had a rare opportunity to write about my cat today. I mean, someone else specifically requested professional quality writing about cats for publication on a paying website, and I wrote about mine. I have written about her before and also attempted to paint her for this blog. This cat is a very particular representative of her species. We’re talking the archetype of Kipling’s cat who walks alone. She wants all the comforts of home and none of the restrictions, and while we mostly understand each other, there is clearly nothing I can ever do to communicate to her that there is no type of animal, dead or alive, that I would even enjoy receiving as a present. So she just keeps trying.

Actually, I should count myself lucky that she’s never brought me a rat, but that’s probably just because there aren’t that many rats around here. There must be Norwegians, because there are Norwegians everywhere, but I’ve never seen evidence of one. If she got a rat, it would probably be a packrat, but it doesn’t seem like she’s ever brought a packrat in. Maybe they’re super-delicious and she keeps them for herself.

Also, I recognize that it was extremely unprofessional to draw that woman’s hands with zero fingers but I did draw her fingers, over and over again, and all of them looked super freaky and I called it a day. No fingers for you, freak out lady. She’s lucky. I originally uploaded a version where the joint on her left arm was backwards. It looked crazy painful. Her hair started out with best intentions but lost something in translation. That rat is just gross as can be. Actually, it could be grosser. But it’s pretty gross. Seriously, if my cat brought that inside I would probably cry.

Be Like Allison

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You can’t buy happiness. But you could buy a T-shirt from my RedBubble shop, which would definitely make me happy, and probably make you happy.

This is Allison. Allison is a successful writer and professional performer of death defying feats. Allison is very happy. Why do you think Allison is so happy? Is it because she is wearing this kickass QWERTYvsDvorak T-shirt? Correlation may not prove causality, but there does seem to be abundant evidence that wearing a QvD T-shirt can make you, and the people around you, at least 20% happier.

Allison is modeling “Embrace Me to the End.” If you click the link, you could, too.

This has always been one of my favorite designs in the shop, even though a marine biologist once chastised me for drawing a blue whale, rather than a sperm whale, which is more commonly thought of as the giant squid’s natural enemy. The way I see it, we don’t know everything that goes on under the ocean. Who’s to say that there isn’t a kraken sized squid that periodically tries to munch on the largest animal on the planet at the deepest, darkest depths of the world? I like both cephalopods and cetaceans. The bigger the creature, the more love there is to go around.

There are also some other interesting things in my shop if you click around.

I procrastinated and didn’t draw a comic and there’s still one other important thing to do before bed tonight. It’s sort of related to the fact that 3 years ago, The Man and I got legally married by the law of the land. We’d already been together for 4 1/2 years before that, and we were, as we said, “gay married” for a couple of years before the wedding, Tucson being a city that offers domestic partnerships, and the University of Arizona being an employer that offers benefits for domestic partners. I wonder if the marriage supersedes the partnership?

Anyway, 3 years ago today I became a married Dragon, and The Man became a married The Man, and we were bound to each other for better or for worse. Love that guy.